theeverdream: (dinozzo)
theeverdream ([personal profile] theeverdream) wrote2013-04-22 05:11 am
Entry tags:

Fidelis - NCIS fic (ep 10x20), Tony/Gibbs, rated teen, 1.2k words

Title: Fidelis
Fandom: NCIS
Pairing: Tony/Gibbs
Rating: Teen for themes
Words: 1167
Spoilers: 10x20 "Chasing Ghosts"
Warnings/Content Notes: dialogue-only
Summary: Gibbs and Tony's relationship has always been one where they could date women as well, but the events of Chasing Ghosts have made Tony realize some things about what he wants.


Author's Notes: Please know that this fic is not a completely or even largely accurate reflection of how I feel about the show. Some of the observations about relationships come from what I have seen on the show but some don't, and nothing is based on a comprehensive look at the show. Anything about relative merits of relationships comes from what I am comfortable writing and should not be taken as commentaries about things we have seen or could see in canon.



Part 1 starts directly after McGee has parted with Tony and Ziva after Tony finds the room where they are tracking Bodner.

Part 2 starts later, in the middle of a conversation between Tony and Gibbs as they talk at Gibbs's house.



You seem angry.

I am angry.

This is not about you, Tony.

No. It's about you, and about us, and how I could have helped you.

It was a bigger help to me to keep things contained for now, to feel at least a little in control. I needed McGee for his skills with technology - you understand that.

Oh, sure. And I don't need to be needed for everything. But what this is really about is trust. And I need to be trusted.

You think I do not trust you?

You do, in the field, but beyond that? You certainly don't trust that I'm more than a playful exterior.

I know that is not all that you are.

You might know it but you don't act like it's true. You don't talk like it's true. It's bothered me but I've dealt with it. But now, seeing you also not trusting that I have your best interests at heart? How am I supposed to react to that? What we've been through - what I've been through for you - should be enough. And it's not.

Things have always been very complicated - I... I do not mean to hurt you, Tony.

I know you don't. But sorry and change are different things. I get complicated - I get that you have trust issues, Ziva, I do. Believe me, I know all about having issues. But the idea I had that you thought I was worth even trying to get over those issues for? I've lost my trust in that. So: we have each other's back's in the field, no question. If you need to talk, or need someone to help move furniture or hide a body, you know where to find me. And if that's all you ever wanted, forgive me for feeling the need to explain that I've realized that's all you'll ever have.

...How should I respond? I was not prepared to talk about so much more than finding Bodnar.

It needed to be said.

Fine. But about Bodnar, answer this: if I was not ready to share a thing with Gibbs, would I be wise to tell you? If it, if anything, came down to a choice between me or him, would you not always choose him?



*****



I think she knows, Boss.

Knows what?

About us. Or maybe not, I mean, it's not like it's a secret I'd do anything you asked, or things you didn't ask but I could tell you wanted.... There was the way she said it, though. She at least knows I have feelings for you. That's probably all she knows. I think.

What are you gonna do about it?

Nothing. By that point in the conversation, I'd told her she and I didn't have a chance.

I thought you did.

I thought we did. I was kidding myself.

Can't blame yourself for wanting.

Yes I can. But I'll try not to.

I'm sorry.

Thanks. I really loved what might have been. But maybe I'm not sorry. I have you.

We said -

I know. What if I want more?

I'm not your consolation prize, DiNozzo.

No, I just - I guess I should have known that respecting what you said at the start doesn't mean I can't tell you what I want. I know you wouldn't let me go because I asked for more; you said, it's okay to want, right? And I've wanted. You could never be the consolation prize; I've always wanted more.

Keeping it casual from the start, Tony - it was 'cause we both like women, you know that.

I like you, Gibbs. And I love what we've got now. But I know you... you could be it for me.

"It." You could be content with an exclusive thing with me?

I'm terrified to say it, Gibbs, but "it" as in "that's it", you're it, for the rest of my life. If you don't feel the same way about me I get it but I don't want to - don't want us to miss out on something... I'd be even more terrified of losing something we never had that could have been so amazing, just because we both like women too. I kept those feelings inside because I thought you needed it. If you need me to never mention it again I won't. But after tonight I just... I had to know you knew.

I don't need. Don't hide what you feel. I haven't been with anyone else since -

Since we started?

Tony, I'm a one person at a time kinda guy. I said we could both be otherwise because I thought it was what you needed. And I wanted to protect myself, when you....

I haven't either, Gibbs. Not even at the beginning, when we were still finding our way around how it would be for us outside of work.

I had thought, maybe. But you still ogle.... You'd miss the women.

I did say I was terrified. I mean, mostly I'm scared that, even with everything you've said - well, I guess you haven't really said anything about the "it" thing, and you being faithful to me isn't the same as you wanting to be faithful to me for the rest of your life. But yeah, I'm also scared of missing things too much and letting you down. But tonight has been a night for epiphanies, it seems. I was kidding myself thinking things could ever work with Ziva. And I know I'd be kidding myself trying to make it work with anyone else but you. The "what might have been"s with anyone else are so small compared to my feelings for you. Sex with other people just hasn't been important compared to that. So yeah, mostly just scared about having such big feelings in the first place, but that's a good, first-roller-coaster kind of thrilled scared.

I thought you said you were mostly scared about me and "the it thing".

...Yeah, I am. I wonder if it's it okay that you're it for me, and if the reverse... you don't ogle like I do but you do like women too. Haven't you missed them?

Maybe after starting the way we did and keeping it that way for so long, it'll take some time for you to trust that I want what you want. But listen to me, Tony: I want what you want.

Really?

I have for a while. And the way I feel about you I haven't felt for a while. With other people I've worried about my track record. I don't have to with you.

Gotta love wishful thinking?

No. I knew, once, that I'd be with the one I loved for the rest of our lives. It was shorter than I planned on, but that was what happened. Now that you and I are on the same page, I know it again.

Wow.

It could always be tomorrow but doing things in a certain order might take time... telling people about us, and maybe sometime soon I should retire. Now or later - one day I wanna marry you. ...Would you marry me, Tony?

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