theeverdream: (dinozzo)
theeverdream ([personal profile] theeverdream) wrote2013-02-15 05:45 am

Fic, SGA, Evan/John, 382 words, angst, rated adult

Third in a series - story 1 is here and story 2 is here. This story stands on its own and there are some backstory-type explanations in story 1.

SGA, Evan/John, 382 words, angst
warnings/notes: This story contains consent issues and is rated adult for sexual themes

Percipere Capique

He's careful of any minute sign that John might not want this. Any tiny hitch of breath, any goose bumps rising on the skin: in another lover they might be signs of pleasure, but Evan hasn't been able to pleasure John for a long time.

Tonight isn't about the typical types of pleasure for John or for Evan; he's always too stressed for that now. It's more a gentle acknowledgement that they used to be sexual beings.

Evan used to make John groan and swear; John used to make Evan crazy. Nowadays Evan tries not to think about what they can't have.

Except - as the holiday approached he began to dwell on the past a little more, and he started to hope that a tiny bit of their past connection was possible to recreate. When today arrived Evan forced a break in their routine, paced himself with deep breaths to help focus his mind away from the stress and from the regret he feels on John's behalf, and saved up enough energy to keep from collapsing at the end of the day.

Now in this calm, quiet moment, he allows himself to nuzzle at John's groin, the soft flesh warm and shower-damp and fragrant against his cheek. To run his tongue along the point of John's ear and taste the hands that were so beautiful in motion; to use his own hands to trace John's scarred limbs with reverence and memories on his fingertips instead of a smear of pain cream.

He allows himself to really look, and he sees John's body as he used to: more than just John's prison, a thing to be hoisted into a wheelchair or maneuvered into bed.

He sees it as beautiful.

And he allows himself to not feel guilty, because he knows John trusted him, before, and believes he would extend that trust to him now. That he wouldn't think Evan a monster for doing this to him but a loving partner for wanting to do it with him.

He allows himself to enjoy this Valentine's day.


(But just because he's allowed to enjoy doesn't mean he can, not once the difference between "to" and "with" starts to turn things hollow, and on his first look into John's blank face he starts to sob.)

[identity profile] 2013-02-15 03:18 pm (UTC)(link)
That's really chilling. Parsed down, yet still effective.

[identity profile] 2013-02-27 05:14 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you so much. I tried hard to make every word and phrase really count.

[identity profile] 2013-02-16 04:14 am (UTC)(link)
Aw. A sad series, lingeringly haunting.

[identity profile] 2013-02-27 05:25 am (UTC)(link)
Thanks so much for the comment. In a way I feel bad that it's so sad but it's been really important for me to get it out the way it's been.